Keeping Me Awake.

My opinions are my world,

my world is so small.

would everything i feel be too small to matter?

my world crashes often, when it restarts it is beautiful. i sometimes think id rather have it crash. if everything i thought gathered into a pool of bullshit and metaphors then maybe my world would drown.

i ponder self pity.

i thrive that sting.

it is myself i can not trust. i tell myself i cant. i have thought about my motive i could have. ive questioned attention. i feel greedy when friends are there for me. i love talking about my frustrations.

I AM A CONTRADICTION.

maybe its not the attention from others i crave, but the attention from myself that i long for.

i would like to hear my own voice exhale a cigarette and say itll be ok.

maybe hearing it from others is appreciated but not good enough anymore.

my opinions are my world.

my world is so mixed up.

would everything i feel to be too confusing too count?

i get so tired. a 5am-7pm run gets exhausting. when its time to get into bed and relax all the built up thoughts that were tied down throughout the day force themselves through concentration and burst into a thousand words surrounding my world.

they race each other and fight. they become so fucking loud. they begin to scream and tell me to wake up.

i sit up in my bed smelling my pillow and i can feel someone next to me. her sent is still there. her presence is strong. i become calm and drift into a fantasy of everything being perfect.

if perfection is a myth then why do i feel so amazing when she is in bed with me?

the thoughts finally fall back into their boxes and lockets and i become weary to the objects in my room. they start to dance and shatter around my head to wake me up. why wouldn't you want me to sleep? why do i become so cold at night? my bitterness leaks into my dreams turning them into a fashion of self pity and war.

war.

war.

my opinions are my world.

my world is at war.

war.

W.here A.nguish R.esides.

x

Grey

my eyes drain.
please drain all the grey out of my thoughts-
out of my sight.
i dont like what i see
i hate what my mind brings me
my torture is grey
my thoughts are grey
my vision is grey
my heart is grey
not yet black, i am cold and sore,
bitter and cruel.
i will not allow my heart to char.
you can beat me and send hurt my way
rape me and take everything from me.
bury me alive and spit on my grave,
but only i can not let myself,
fade into grey.

x

More Shame...No Regrets.

this clock screams
another morning sun blinds me through the window.
covering my head with dirty sheets
another nameless whore sleeps next to me.
i scratch the sleep out of my eyes
and shower the hangover from my system.
breakfast for two
i guess its the right thing.
she sits across from me,
still half naked and run down.
this awkward moment last forever.
solid sarcasm sinks in my teeth
i try not to make things worse.

here we go again
regrets at their best.
trying to remember the night before
wondering what ive done.
i make decisions out of assumptions
telling from the marks on her chest and the glare in her eyes
i have another secret to keep,
and a room to clean.

she asks me about the future day
trying to get an answer,
out of me comes silence
the kind that crawls through your veins
shes trying to make eye contact
thats not a good sign.
i think of strategies
to let her down easily.
shes rubbing her leg on mine
waiting for round two.

in a blank stare the bedroom door crumbles
shes talking in slow motion,
my eyes barley blink.

i hate this kind of morning
another unknown face
fell in drunk love with me.
and now i break her heart.
give it to her easy
try to say it nicely.

sealed with a kiss and a smack in the face
she gathers her used body off the floor and slams the door behind her,
that wasnt the reaction i was looking for.

x

the same

a simple wish
of self inflicted memories
a simple kiss
and uncontrolled memories
the thought of myself
being wrapped around your finger
the fucking mess
that you left me to clean here.
in a dream of
absolute bliss and honesty
create a life where
everything is good for me
the thought of myself
being left to linger
through the fucking mess
that could be a little cleaner
in the end where
fakers meet reality
shake their hands
to face the truth of hostility
the thought of myself
being in this danger
with the fucking mess here
that ive never seen cleaner.

x

Karen: the story of an angel.

No closure
to what may be
the rainiest day on life.
the day an angel was set free
even though we counted down
the minutes untill she left
she knew it was her time.
she knew she had to close her eyes.

a thought of relief kept in the back of our minds.
for no one wanted her to suffer anymore
when the final day came
a silence fell over the homes everyone whos ever had their hearts touched.
for anyone whos ever loved.
ever cared.
ever laughed.
ever been with someone who've made them feel warm
had felt the rain on that day.

in the spirit of the lord.
she was put on this earth
to do good then suffer
and wither away.
a walking angel who couldnt take five steps,
without springing a mile.
the story of an angel
whos cards she gave
and kept on the side
the flower and lace still glued on
only, like her, are crumbled and slowly fell apart,
yet inside those cards,
the words, still delicately bold
strong and far from soulless.
the story of an angel
who like those cards are faded outside
but fully alive within
whos spirit lives forever.
x

Mirrior Salvation

its just me
its just you
no,
story line fantasy world.
sick, pathetic, twisted habits.
one on one,
we are,
everything we wish we were.
once upon a time,
in a fairy tale state of mind,
all the fear,
storms,
darkness faded into the trees.
as i held you.
you rested
in my heart,
youll stay...
yet not too far away
there was a story of two lives
falling apart in a world of solitude.
no hope.
no dream.
no faith, love, security,
no strength,
no sight.
carrying on with step over-
step...on.
which what caves underneath,
but under all the rain,
the clouds.
the insignificant remarks and mockingbirds,
lies one salvation,
lies the myth of the fate of this
"happily ever after"
weve all been told,
weve been told about and dreamt of,
since our youth.

x

Thank You (you shouldnt have)

I want another day
redone with invisible memories
to replace what was
i need more to work with
youve given me nothing.
thank you-
if i can erase some words
to fill in the blanks
maybe youd give me something
anything
thank you
you shouldnt have
you really fucking shouldnt have.

x

.

I am slipping away before this mirror,

its crashing to pieces on me.



need

another winters gone through yesterdays
open door.
and only if i have a bit of space
to breathe in all this air
silence never is a satisfaction here,
not in this place.
the wall jump all night
here we do not do it our way
here the lights brighten the ceiling
that reflect off the floor
and the thunder- well it never sounded so-
so fucking provoking.
the rain has never sounded so weak
the clouds never been
so pathetically painted a dim shade of gray.
this bore gets too old
and all i want is satisfaction
we dont get that here
all i want is another spring to shoot through the window
as the breeze brings me my demanding air.

x

nothing

paint another picture
change the colors of the same path
im sick of living fairy tales
im through looking in the past
draw a line
straight across the difference
maybe in the end it will come
down to this;
ive changed
for what i thought was the best,
but there is nothing.

x

spit

spit it all out-
spit it all out-
separate the truth
from what you thought you knew
the spoken identities fall
the created dreams crumble
you have found nothing in a sacrifice
rise your life to fit.
-spit it all out
i know you enough-
they know you enough
to share what they think
and expose that your fake
to fake to
spit it all out.
x

Shadow

i met your shadow
half way down
told me to stay
i am not safe.
backed me into a corner
threatens my life
carried my thoughts far,
away from, my mind.
your shadow grew tall
swinging back and forth
told me it hates me
-a familiar voice,
different from yours
echos repeat,
as your shadow screams.

x