I dont expect to know the rest of what has happened to me.
but just a guess of what is left
is that Ill never leave.
i curse the name of self-esteem to insure that i can change
but second best to all the rest has taken toll on me.
x
9/2/11
Dear Blank Page,
If my fingertips bleed out intelligent phrases and wit,
will you begin to give me what i need?
x
will you begin to give me what i need?
x
PorN!
A vision,
in which we should not speak of.
-a lust,
the passion is visable.INCREDABLE
-a scene,
two bodys meet in the middle.
TRUST
eyes widen.
-
Power.
Off.
2.3.10
oh- what direction i fall is flowing
yet somewhat, I'm stumbling-
and getting a grasp
i can taste the energy
oh- i can taste the greed.
someone is pulling-tugging at my clothes.
fabric between their hands and my bare skin
i ask-
what is it you want from me?
oh-why is it so free to be?
so-
god damn understandable but
show.
not a glimpse of common interest.
the secrets im keeping
can explain the hole meaning
of the scribble i write
or maybe just think about-
you.
x
yet somewhat, I'm stumbling-
and getting a grasp
i can taste the energy
oh- i can taste the greed.
someone is pulling-tugging at my clothes.
fabric between their hands and my bare skin
i ask-
what is it you want from me?
oh-why is it so free to be?
so-
god damn understandable but
show.
not a glimpse of common interest.
the secrets im keeping
can explain the hole meaning
of the scribble i write
or maybe just think about-
you.
x
8/30/11
8/30/11
Stars fell like rain beside me.
each drop lit up your face as i searched deep.
i wondered what you thought of me when you look up and bite your lip.
i flatter myself thinking you crave my touch.
holding me between your legs i can see through you.
your begging me to never let you go.
as you run your fingers threw my hair i wonder if you love what i do/
i wonder if you want all of me.
i pray you never let me go.
x
each drop lit up your face as i searched deep.
i wondered what you thought of me when you look up and bite your lip.
i flatter myself thinking you crave my touch.
holding me between your legs i can see through you.
your begging me to never let you go.
as you run your fingers threw my hair i wonder if you love what i do/
i wonder if you want all of me.
i pray you never let me go.
x
8/21/11
8/19/11
What if every word i said spilled onto the floor like a pile of madness splashing at your feet?
would you still tap my head?
would you still kiss my neck?
what if every kiss tasted like the serenity you found out you were searching for?
or if every hug held a reflection of all the dreams you kept a tight grip on?
what if i throw my cards down and look into your eyes?
what if i wanted you to take me for what i am?
what if i let my guard down and fell through the sky?
would you catch me?
would you be mine?
would you still tap my head?
would you still kiss my neck?
what if every kiss tasted like the serenity you found out you were searching for?
or if every hug held a reflection of all the dreams you kept a tight grip on?
what if i throw my cards down and look into your eyes?
what if i wanted you to take me for what i am?
what if i let my guard down and fell through the sky?
would you catch me?
would you be mine?
8/19/11
Missunderstanding
My wife left me July 9th 2011.
a week before she left a friend invited me to hang out. i decided to go because i needed to get out of the house and see some people.
for 3 weeks i did everything i possibly could to get Eva back. you name it, i was doing it. despite my best efforts, she made it very clear that there was no hope in her coming home for i really broke the camels back this time.
I have lost a love before. i know how this goes. i know that it was going to be a long few months of chasing, crying, hating, and fighting even though i knew nothing would work. i decided to get it over with early. i wasn't looking forward to spending all my time in bed ripping my skin up looking for an answer to get over this beautiful woman i had. i knew there was alot to be facing and quickly. it took me one month and i am now -400 in my bank account. my computer is working on and off. and my truck is shitting the bed. i am a mess. i didn't have time to sit in a depression. i needed to kick into high gear so i can get more hours at work to fix the hole i dug myself.
so i continued to see my friend. we spent alot of time talking about our (not so) significant others, then in time we started talking about ourselves. we then slowly realized that we found alot of things about eachother that we had in common and other things that we just found amazing. i accidentally fell for someone and it was the best thing i could do. i am not in a relationship this girl, although we do hang out often. i do hope that something turns out with her, but if it doesnt i take it as a learning experience because i found out that there are people out there that are beautiful and awesome who have alot of what i am looking for.
i do not want to give the wrong idea, eva is absolutely beautiful. i have a low self esteem and the night i hooked up with eva, i wanted to hold on to it as tight as i can because i feel people who are interested in me dont come around often. the part that was so wrong is that, i didnt like much about eva. there is nothing wrong with her, she should be exactly how she is. she just needs to be with someone who is going to love every piece of her, not try to change every little thing about her. that was my mistake. i wish nothing more then to have just been evas friend because i would be so lucky to have an amazing friend in my life today.
anyway, i have learned that girls will like me. i have learned i should take the time to get to know someone before falling in love. i know im an asshole and instead of just being like 'hey its not going to work out' i just hold on because i dont want to be alone and try to change everything about the person.
through this experience ive learned that there are alot of things i really just dont give a shit about. for whatever reason it was i cared so much that eva did this or that. why? i have no idea, it shouldnt matter what she does, she loved me for who i was, thats all that should matter.
all and all the only thing i can really say is that i am happy. i am happy that eva put her foot down and left my ass. i wouldnt be who i became or where i ended up if she stayed. we were a bad combination. i hope her the best in the world and i hope someday she wishes the same on me.
she confuses me because she is so angry about this girl. the way i see it is, you threw me away, who do you care comes gets your trash, as long as they get it right? she says she was nervous about her all along, which i knew but still. she thinks i did all this purposely to hurt her.
that is not who i am. i wouldnt hurt someone innocent just to get eva back. there is nothing to really get eva back on anyway and thats something she doesnt understand. i am not a spiteful person. i just dont know what she expects me to do anymore. and honestly, i cant help but to not care. i met someone who is great and i need to move on with my life and see where it takes me. i dont know if im wrong or not. but i dont hold guilt.
a week before she left a friend invited me to hang out. i decided to go because i needed to get out of the house and see some people.
for 3 weeks i did everything i possibly could to get Eva back. you name it, i was doing it. despite my best efforts, she made it very clear that there was no hope in her coming home for i really broke the camels back this time.
I have lost a love before. i know how this goes. i know that it was going to be a long few months of chasing, crying, hating, and fighting even though i knew nothing would work. i decided to get it over with early. i wasn't looking forward to spending all my time in bed ripping my skin up looking for an answer to get over this beautiful woman i had. i knew there was alot to be facing and quickly. it took me one month and i am now -400 in my bank account. my computer is working on and off. and my truck is shitting the bed. i am a mess. i didn't have time to sit in a depression. i needed to kick into high gear so i can get more hours at work to fix the hole i dug myself.
so i continued to see my friend. we spent alot of time talking about our (not so) significant others, then in time we started talking about ourselves. we then slowly realized that we found alot of things about eachother that we had in common and other things that we just found amazing. i accidentally fell for someone and it was the best thing i could do. i am not in a relationship this girl, although we do hang out often. i do hope that something turns out with her, but if it doesnt i take it as a learning experience because i found out that there are people out there that are beautiful and awesome who have alot of what i am looking for.
i do not want to give the wrong idea, eva is absolutely beautiful. i have a low self esteem and the night i hooked up with eva, i wanted to hold on to it as tight as i can because i feel people who are interested in me dont come around often. the part that was so wrong is that, i didnt like much about eva. there is nothing wrong with her, she should be exactly how she is. she just needs to be with someone who is going to love every piece of her, not try to change every little thing about her. that was my mistake. i wish nothing more then to have just been evas friend because i would be so lucky to have an amazing friend in my life today.
anyway, i have learned that girls will like me. i have learned i should take the time to get to know someone before falling in love. i know im an asshole and instead of just being like 'hey its not going to work out' i just hold on because i dont want to be alone and try to change everything about the person.
through this experience ive learned that there are alot of things i really just dont give a shit about. for whatever reason it was i cared so much that eva did this or that. why? i have no idea, it shouldnt matter what she does, she loved me for who i was, thats all that should matter.
all and all the only thing i can really say is that i am happy. i am happy that eva put her foot down and left my ass. i wouldnt be who i became or where i ended up if she stayed. we were a bad combination. i hope her the best in the world and i hope someday she wishes the same on me.
she confuses me because she is so angry about this girl. the way i see it is, you threw me away, who do you care comes gets your trash, as long as they get it right? she says she was nervous about her all along, which i knew but still. she thinks i did all this purposely to hurt her.
that is not who i am. i wouldnt hurt someone innocent just to get eva back. there is nothing to really get eva back on anyway and thats something she doesnt understand. i am not a spiteful person. i just dont know what she expects me to do anymore. and honestly, i cant help but to not care. i met someone who is great and i need to move on with my life and see where it takes me. i dont know if im wrong or not. but i dont hold guilt.
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