friends.

every day i try to learn something new.

a shy face was opened up to me recently and as i look back at this year i consider two typical things.
1. i wish i learned who you were sooner
2. i couldn't have learned at a better time then right now,

the perception i have on friendship is warped and twisted around from the bullshit i was force fed for a long long time.
i watched a lot of important people come and go this year. every single one was a burst of energy when they first came around. then quickly crashed and burned. i watch the embers fade out. ashes of them float into the air. i want to grab them before the drift off but i think its best for me to just sit back and accept the absence of all the people i thought would be there forever.
friendship was always alot like addiction to me. again, my perception on friendship is flawed indeed. the rush of seeing them. the need for eachothers presence. every day. EVERY DAY? yes every day, what are we 12? at 22 years old there is no reason to see someone every day, unless you live with them.
one by one i watched all my old friends vanish and i think i might be coming to the subtle acceptance that this is the best for me.
i sat at a bar with an old friend who is back around in my life, and a new friend who i could have got along with this whole time, but probably need her now more then before.
i cant recall the conversations we had.
i cant recall how long we were there.
i just remember this one moment when i looked around and saw nobody.
three adults sat in a lonely bar at 11:30pm.
for a moment i craved a crowd of people.
I NEED MORE FRIENDS
then one of them started talking and my focus crossed to them. and the screaming in my head stopped.

i dont need anything...i am enjoying myself. i am having simple conversation with two simple people. in a crowd i cant talk.
....well, i do need a few things.

but in the search of new friends, the only thing that has come up is getting rid of people i have been close to for a long time, and getting to know people that have always been there.

maybe thats all i needed.

Im getting to the point were i am enjoying coming home and watching tv alone untill i fall asleep.

every day i learn something.

one thing that i have learned a while ago but look deeper into as time goes on is that i cant waste my time with waste anymore.

wasting is wishing you had more to waste.

if you cant be around for me- fuck it.
if you cant understand that i truly am around for you and you dont actually use the opportunities and talk to me, because after i tell all my friends hundreds of times, i am a good listener and im not gonna share your secrets.- fuck it.
if you dont know me well enough to know that something i said i was just joking- fuck it.
if you dont care enough to text me or write on my wall every once in a while- fuck it.
if every time we hang out we have to get loaded / we cant just get coffee and sit in a car somewhere and bullshit- fuck it.
if i have to explain everything i am saying / tip toe around you- FUCK IT
if you cant understand that we are all adults and just because you dont have a job doesnt mean that when i have work im blowing you off- fuck it.

i dont have time for children.
i hate kids as a matter of fact, so why would i surround myself with them.
grow up and find out what an adult friendship is.

today

i dont know how to clean the mess i have made...

i go back and forth with the fact that i am comfortable with this mess. im not sure what i am these days.
i was texting with my ex wife the other day and she said she doesnt know me anymore. i dont really know myself.
i had such a strong grip on everything just last month. everything made sense. everything was in place, then i got depressed. the center of my brain became numb. next thing i knew. my car was falling apart, my job was getting stupid, and then elle left me.

im giving up on relationships. i still stand with saying that if elle ever called me id go back with her in a heartbeat. shes just....ugh. i cant even think of a word to describe how amazing she is.

i think i need to be alone. i just get so bored. and when i get bored. i get dangerous. i hang out with people often and its cool but its 1030 right now and i would do anything to not be home.
id like to go for a walk but i dont have my fucking ipod so i cant listen to music.

i have been texting with eva. i would really like to meet up with her and talk for a little while. tell her a few things and put a close to all this. she doesnt want to. shes not over as much as i am i guess. even though she left me and told me there was no hope to ever be together again, forcing me to get over her as quick as i can to avoid any pain.
i juggled with the idea of me and her getting back together. but. i dunno, i really just cant feel it. she was an amazing woman, and itd be the easiest idea to get her back. but, im not in love with her and thats that. i have no desire to be with her ever again. its unfortunate, but oh well. id love to be her friend though, shes a easy person to talk to sometimes.

i really need to get my shit together. i should have cleaned my room today. im a fucking disaster.

thats all she wrote.

Dear You,

    I guess i hit the moment where i need to start getting over you. I'm seeing you tomorrow to give you a few things and talk over some coffee. The next step is to delete you from everything i have and block you on facebook and do everything i can to not contact you. I have been trying to mentally prepare myself because I have had to get over people before. usually there is a series of steps to do so. Some of them i make up for my own well being, but some unfortunately are just how it is. you cant control emotions.

Step One- erase them completely from everything. anything that reminds you of them get rid of or put away for safe keeping.: the little notes you've left, the painting you gave me, the Halloween doodle, any movies that remind me of you, pictures, facebook stuff, clear out my itunes of songs that you have ruined for me.

Step Two- tell yourself you will be ok repeatedly. Every mirror i pass i will tell myself i'll be fine and that the sun still comes up tomorrow. This is a step that will continue on threw the rest of the steps.

Step Three- get your ass out of bed and see your friends. Surround yourself with people who will make you laugh and forget about everything.

Step Four- try to find something to do at night. after a long day with your friends, laughing and having a blast, when you go home you know that the first thing you are going to think about is them and you will cry yourself to sleep. read, write, exercise, anything just so you pass out quickly at night.

Step Five- hate them. there will be so much anger out of nowhere for them. for every little thing theyve done. for leaving you. you will find anything and its a good thing for the time being. it'll make you not want to talk to them. fighting the urge to call or text them will be easier.

Step Six- getting better. The anger will fade slowly and you'll stop one moment and be like "wow, i havnt thought about them in a few days, im making progress" you will go on with your life and be just fine. step six will last a few weeks and you will be on top of the world.

Step Seven- relapse. everything that you have been working up to will collapse just like it did the first time she dumped your ass. youll fall back into a shell and bury yourself under your blankets and cry cry cry. you'll call her while your drunk or maybe even not drunk and let her know how you are nothing. how you are miserable. how you need her. then BAM all the steps above will come back in one crazy madman phone conversation. youll be pissed off and throw out everything you had put away thinking its going to break her heart and want to come back. youll yell at her about every stupid little thing that you think she really remembers or cares about. then youll make up some crazy asshole scenario of why she left you. you will call her every name in the book. in between all of this you will start crying and say you didnt mean it and that you love her. that you need her back. that you were meant together. youll say alot of embarrassing things. youll talk about making love to her as if she really wants to hear that. youll threaten to kill yourself as if its gonna guilt her back. when you realize she isnt coming back youll get angry again and say plenty of crazy things that make no fucking sense because you are in step seven and thats the rules.
     The next few weeks she will ignore your calls as you harass the shit out of her.

Step Eight- you will wake up one day and again, see the sun is up and your miserable life must go on. you dont even bother texting her to tell her. you just go. you give it a few weeks, and text her again. just to see how she is and if maybe you two can grab a coffee and catch up. she'll probably agree and seeing her will be good. a little sting will hit you when you see her. she will be beautiful and there is really no way to know how youll take it. but you will take it.

Step Nine- after the coffee catch up. if you guys dont end up back together that day, you'll move on. a few months will pass and you will realize that youve been pretty happy for a while without even noticing. you dont even think about her. you hear a song that reminds you of her and smile on the good run you had. you cant remember her phone number. and its not like it matters anyway because there is no reason to call her. maybe you hear threw the grape vine shes seeing someone, your happy. her happiness is all that matters. maybe you start seeing someone, good for you. you dont need to rub it in her face. she probably doesnt give a shit. slowly you unblock her from facebook, take out the old movies you use to watch and put them back on your shelf. your able to listen to the cool music she introduced you to. and she is just a face in the crowd.

Step Ten- you are friends on facebook again, you text every once in a while. you hang out here and there on a friend level. when you do it doesnt hurt, it doesnt sting, its just like seeing a friend and nothing else.

     There is no way to tell you how long all this will take. with amanda it took me about a year to get to step 10. with eva, i am not there yet. im in 9 now i guess. i am willing to be in step 10 but she isnt there yet. but with you? with you there is a problem. a big big big problem. this will sound fucked up. but oh well. you know me. anyway, i wish more then anything to hate you. ever since you left we talk at night. it feels nice. i like talking to you. i want to be your friend eventually. i cant let you get to far from me. if you fall i want to be able to pick you up even though you would refuse any help from anyone. if there is ever a moment when your like "holy crap why did i leave, chelsea was perfect for me" i dont want to be too far away that we cant just pick this up. i know after we talk tomorrow im gonna have to start going threw the steps. i hate crying at night. i hate wishing there was hope. i hate feeling this way. i hate hating everything about myself. i have spent the passed few nights trying to think of why i could hate you or be angry at you. but there is zero. my other 2 break ups i was able to sit there and say  "get a hold of yourself chelsea, you can find someone better, they arent worth your time, they were fucked up to you, they treated you like shit etc etc" but you? nothing. you treated me amazing actually. i trusted you. i didnt second guess anything. you would visit me at work. you stood up for me. you respected me. you showed your respect for our relationship. you taught me so many things i cant even begin to list. there was nothing i didnt like about you. i mean, like, there was little things that were like 'ugh' but when i say things i didnt like i mean, big issues that i didnt like. you had nothing. as a matter of fact, every day you amazed me. every single day i was just like 'god damn this woman is perfect' there you were. and there you went. i try to hate you for leaving. but i cant because i knew it was going to happen. and because i understand. in a way i dont. but not enough to hate you for. i tried hating you for making me fall in love with you. for saying everything you said to me. but again, i cant. you didnt 'make' me fall in love with you. you didnt lead me on. you didnt trick me. you were straight forward with me since the begining. i tried digging deep and thinking of stupid shit to make up and hate you on. nothing made scence. nothing worked. i cant hate you. you have nothing for me to hate. so ill hover in step 3 and see if i can somehow jump to step 10. but i know it wont work. i hate getting up in the morning. i hate going to bed at night. i dont blame you for one once of my misery. i wish i could. you have alot to learn and so do i. maybe one day we will find eachother again and rebuild on a better ground. after tomorrow when i see you im putting everything away. im deleting you from itunes, my bed, my car, my computer, my mind. i have to erase you completely before i go to far into the dark that i cant come back. my whole life fell apart in 1 day. and i really dont know why it has happened to me or when the fuck it will really be my turn because every time i think i have a good grip my fingers get stepped on and i fall down another few feet. i have made the decision to wait. i know you will be ok and you'll probably get over me alot quicker then i will you. youll do what you have to do to clear your head and be happy again. but if you someday think about me and what could have been, im going to be there. im in no right to be with anyone else right now. so even if im waiting just to find out you will never come around, i dont care. it will be worth it to find out just in case. until then, thats all she wrote. stay classy sparky. you are an amazing woman and i hope you figure yourself out enough to know how amazing you truly are. ill never laugh as hard or as much as i did with you. ill miss you so much it will be unbelievable. but im gonna have to pretend i never met you for a little while just to get you cleared out of my system. love you.

-me.

negative

my negativity has always pushed away all the people i was closest to. recently it is really starting to take its toll and hurt me more then usual.
being negative is alot like home to me.
i always was and its my comfort zone. i dont want to be comfortable here but i am. its awkward.
i dont know how to be positive, and when i try to be, something even worse then before happens. like some higher power punishing me for thinking my life could be any different.
i dont know what to do anymore. i have 2 best friends who i am holding onto for dear life but every time i hang out with them i feel like im pushing them away, because i have to be annoying. and i have a girl im seeing who tells me every day i need to chill. i know she is probably sick of me by now and i dont blame her. loosing any of these 3 people would really do a number on me. i know shit happens, people come and go. but being with them makes me feel a positive energy that i like to hold on to. i need to figure something out before its too late.

10.29

All my thoughts gather around like an army of ants marching, cramming their annoying little bodies into my skull.
they sometimes make their way out of my mouth to show their ugly faces to the world.
most of the time they are too fast to hold on to.

do not ask me whats wrong. for i havnt the slightest clue.

i get a flash of reality from time to time as i grasp a thought and see it more clearly.
these ants quickly turn into slugs as they slip from my hands and time slows down.
my vision becomes blurry and the beautiful glimpse of my life i get crashes into the mess it begs to be.
x

im a fake.

   a naked body fell from the sky into my arms. unsure of the meaning i dropped it and stepped away staring. what am i to do with you? where are we to go? the body lay face down and lifeless. i poked at its bare skin and peeled away its scabs. its flesh was cold on my hands and i felt the remainder of its soul leak into mine begging for me to help.
   I turned the body over and found myself looking into my own eyes.

   as i spoke to the body i heard my voice repeat back to me in my mind every answer ive begged for. every truth i have denied. the body tensed up and let out a scream. i didnt move or even flinch.
   here we are.
   "its just you and me" i said laying my coat over the body.
    i want to know where i end up. i want to know what happens to my family. i want to know if i ever clean up this mess.
    i trace the scars on my arm and look down at the body, whos scars are open and bleeding out.
    i watch my own eyes tell me that things wont get better until i see myself in my own skin.
imafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafakeimafake.
    the body holds my arms to its chest and i feel reality.
this is what becomes of me. this is where i end up.
    i take the body to the edge of my existence that i am all too familiar with and push it of the side.
i watch as it tumbles and rolls until i can no longer follow its path.

    i retrace my steps to where the body fell. i sat in that spot for hours thinking of what i should i make of all this. i guess i was freaked out. but i guess at the same time i was just fine.
    for the first time in my life i saw myself in my bare skin. i saw myself for what i really am. i guess if i can accept that then i can start being more comfortable with who i am? i guess theres no way to find out by sitting in this spot thinking about it.
    i got up and continued forward, thats the best path i can find to walk.

x

10.12

Lately i have been very dead.
i cant even write in my journal. i have so many things to say but so much blank spaces in my mind. and so many useless words leaking from my hands.
i find myself in the same mess i was born with.
never know where my life has been, where my life is, or where it is going.
i have decided to get 'mess' tattooed on me soon.
i find it to be caving into my weaknesses, which is the only choice i have left to do. i cant fight them any more, so i will come to complete terms witht his mess. of corse, i will bitch about it as much as possible, but it is something i have grown to accept.