915

in a moment of chaos
i hold my breath
praying this time will pass
i hold the image of her as close as i can.
she takes all this fear away and makes it something real.
x

912.

the sound of exploding echoed in the background as you laid me down and kissed me hard.
your weight on my hips and scratches across my wrists.
i held on and let you take over.
every exhale showed you that i need it.
music played to the rhythm of love.
played to the rhythm of everything you do to me.
this is what i beg for.
this is what i want.
this is what i need.
GIVE IT TO ME.
x

912

i try to figure this whole thing out.
your eyes pin point my attention and face me in the only direction i care to look.
then there is you.
oh my, my, my.
what have i gotten myself into?
i have gotten myself into you.
tight arms hold me close.
x

L.A. Masquerade

do u mind if i hide?
i feel safer inside here
i dont know where to run
but i know you can pick me up
can i hide in your smile?
or maybe in your eyes?
just for a little while
lets turn out the lights.

and yea you can hide
right here in my chest
if you want to disappear
ill draw the map
or we can leave it behind
take our time coming back
but when we return
we'll be home at last.

when i fall
when i fall
when i fall down

when i fall
when i fall
when i fall down

i want you
to be here
and take me home.

do you mind if i
do you mind if i
do you mind if i hide?
maybe in your smile?
or maybe in your eyes?
do you mind if i
do you mind if i
do you mind if i hide?
maybe in your smile?
or maybe in your eyes?
i might be a while
so just turn out the lights.

Keeping Me Awake.

My opinions are my world,

my world is so small.

would everything i feel be too small to matter?

my world crashes often, when it restarts it is beautiful. i sometimes think id rather have it crash. if everything i thought gathered into a pool of bullshit and metaphors then maybe my world would drown.

i ponder self pity.

i thrive that sting.

it is myself i can not trust. i tell myself i cant. i have thought about my motive i could have. ive questioned attention. i feel greedy when friends are there for me. i love talking about my frustrations.

I AM A CONTRADICTION.

maybe its not the attention from others i crave, but the attention from myself that i long for.

i would like to hear my own voice exhale a cigarette and say itll be ok.

maybe hearing it from others is appreciated but not good enough anymore.

my opinions are my world.

my world is so mixed up.

would everything i feel to be too confusing too count?

i get so tired. a 5am-7pm run gets exhausting. when its time to get into bed and relax all the built up thoughts that were tied down throughout the day force themselves through concentration and burst into a thousand words surrounding my world.

they race each other and fight. they become so fucking loud. they begin to scream and tell me to wake up.

i sit up in my bed smelling my pillow and i can feel someone next to me. her sent is still there. her presence is strong. i become calm and drift into a fantasy of everything being perfect.

if perfection is a myth then why do i feel so amazing when she is in bed with me?

the thoughts finally fall back into their boxes and lockets and i become weary to the objects in my room. they start to dance and shatter around my head to wake me up. why wouldn't you want me to sleep? why do i become so cold at night? my bitterness leaks into my dreams turning them into a fashion of self pity and war.

war.

war.

my opinions are my world.

my world is at war.

war.

W.here A.nguish R.esides.

x

Grey

my eyes drain.
please drain all the grey out of my thoughts-
out of my sight.
i dont like what i see
i hate what my mind brings me
my torture is grey
my thoughts are grey
my vision is grey
my heart is grey
not yet black, i am cold and sore,
bitter and cruel.
i will not allow my heart to char.
you can beat me and send hurt my way
rape me and take everything from me.
bury me alive and spit on my grave,
but only i can not let myself,
fade into grey.

x

More Shame...No Regrets.

this clock screams
another morning sun blinds me through the window.
covering my head with dirty sheets
another nameless whore sleeps next to me.
i scratch the sleep out of my eyes
and shower the hangover from my system.
breakfast for two
i guess its the right thing.
she sits across from me,
still half naked and run down.
this awkward moment last forever.
solid sarcasm sinks in my teeth
i try not to make things worse.

here we go again
regrets at their best.
trying to remember the night before
wondering what ive done.
i make decisions out of assumptions
telling from the marks on her chest and the glare in her eyes
i have another secret to keep,
and a room to clean.

she asks me about the future day
trying to get an answer,
out of me comes silence
the kind that crawls through your veins
shes trying to make eye contact
thats not a good sign.
i think of strategies
to let her down easily.
shes rubbing her leg on mine
waiting for round two.

in a blank stare the bedroom door crumbles
shes talking in slow motion,
my eyes barley blink.

i hate this kind of morning
another unknown face
fell in drunk love with me.
and now i break her heart.
give it to her easy
try to say it nicely.

sealed with a kiss and a smack in the face
she gathers her used body off the floor and slams the door behind her,
that wasnt the reaction i was looking for.

x