People say to not waste your time on self pity. I think people who say that pity themselves more then others. One shouldn't self loathe, but having some pity on yourself wont do to much damage. Allow yourself to feel bad. It is a human emotion and if you want to live, you need to live it all.
The past two weeks i have considered self loathing, self destroying, self pity, and self respect. I have learned that some angry reflection has taught me more then pretending everything is OK and not allowing myself to have some negativity.
I am a bad person.
I am a bad wife.
I cant say I've been the best daughter.
"Don't pity yourself. don't say bad things about yourself"
FUCK THAT
I know what I am. I know what I have done to my life. I know the decisions i have made will effect my future. Coming to the realization is allowing myself to change as much of the future as i can. I could just ignore my problems and not really harp on them. I could put a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eye. I could will myself to be ok. I could do it all....and never change a god damn thing inside of me that only leaks out on to other people. Or, i can bring myself to the bottom. i can lay in my bed and think about everything i have done, every person i hurt. i can really consider my future and for the first time feel the intensity of real fear. i can bring myself to the level i deserve and look up seeing how far away the light of reality is. Sure, its far away, and the walls to get there look pretty painful. by doing this i know what I'm in for. id rather see what road is ahead instead of running through it blind and wonder "how could this happen to me" when i trip.
I Learned alot in two weeks. what can i say, i am a fast learner. I want nothing more then to show the one woman who deserves all the love in the world how much i truly love her, and how well she can be treated. I'm not completely convinced that i will ever feel differently. I do know, however, that if it cant be her, and there is no way to fix everything i have done, i will meet someone who will get the world from me. i can thank my beautiful wife for unintentionally teaching me what a woman needs. her not being here has opened my eyes to the terrible person i have been to everyone. Her leaving has leaked out all the self pity that has been built up for years. that self pity has made me a beautiful person.
x
