i turned 23.
i came to a sad realisation that i have been depressed as far as i can remember.
my memories begin around 4-5 years old.
i have been miserable for almost 20 years.
i found out what death was around the same time. Ive made it clear that id never take my life, there is too much beer left to drink and too many jokes left to tell. but that doesn't mean the thought hasn't ever crossed my mind.
i feel misunderstood.
i can gladly say my mom understands me enough to not be worried or anything. i know she reads the things i post and i know she doesn't like it. i know she knows I'm crazy. but i also know she knows I'm very expressive and that's how i life my life.
i write
i show it on my face
i update my status
i laugh
i sing
i yell
i cry.
that's me and i dont know if anyone will really understand me.
today a coworker asked me if i ever cut myself. i told him that it wasnt something to discuss on the clock but the answer is obvious. he respected it and changed the topic. id like to think of a way to explain to others. saying 'it gave me a high' doesn't really make since to others who never felt what i felt.
its better off they don't know me.
a month or two ago a coworker said i was optimistic. it blew my mind. it was the first time that's ever been said about me. it did make me feel good. I'm good at this act. Ive been doing it for my entire life. i hid self loathing and self mutilation for a good 5 years of my life. i can hide negativity for the rest. a last coworker is on my friends list. i fear they are going to catch on to the real chelsea and want out. i enjoy their company, their friendship, and working with the,. i don't want shit to get real. today the topic of my father was brought up at work. i liked it. i feel close to them so i enjoy sharing serious things with the,. yet, I'm nervous to let them know i have this serious deep side. I'm not always this prank, funny, loud, asshole that they see me as.
i had one person know the real me.
i will probably never have that again.
i don't know if i know what happiness really is. but i do know i can sure as hell pretend.
x
