every day i try to learn something new.
a shy face was opened up to me recently and as i look back at this year i consider two typical things.
1. i wish i learned who you were sooner
2. i couldn't have learned at a better time then right now,
the perception i have on friendship is warped and twisted around from the bullshit i was force fed for a long long time.
i watched a lot of important people come and go this year. every single one was a burst of energy when they first came around. then quickly crashed and burned. i watch the embers fade out. ashes of them float into the air. i want to grab them before the drift off but i think its best for me to just sit back and accept the absence of all the people i thought would be there forever.
friendship was always alot like addiction to me. again, my perception on friendship is flawed indeed. the rush of seeing them. the need for eachothers presence. every day. EVERY DAY? yes every day, what are we 12? at 22 years old there is no reason to see someone every day, unless you live with them.
one by one i watched all my old friends vanish and i think i might be coming to the subtle acceptance that this is the best for me.
i sat at a bar with an old friend who is back around in my life, and a new friend who i could have got along with this whole time, but probably need her now more then before.
i cant recall the conversations we had.
i cant recall how long we were there.
i just remember this one moment when i looked around and saw nobody.
three adults sat in a lonely bar at 11:30pm.
for a moment i craved a crowd of people.
I NEED MORE FRIENDS
then one of them started talking and my focus crossed to them. and the screaming in my head stopped.
i dont need anything...i am enjoying myself. i am having simple conversation with two simple people. in a crowd i cant talk.
....well, i do need a few things.
but in the search of new friends, the only thing that has come up is getting rid of people i have been close to for a long time, and getting to know people that have always been there.
maybe thats all i needed.
Im getting to the point were i am enjoying coming home and watching tv alone untill i fall asleep.
every day i learn something.
one thing that i have learned a while ago but look deeper into as time goes on is that i cant waste my time with waste anymore.
wasting is wishing you had more to waste.
if you cant be around for me- fuck it.
if you cant understand that i truly am around for you and you dont actually use the opportunities and talk to me, because after i tell all my friends hundreds of times, i am a good listener and im not gonna share your secrets.- fuck it.
if you dont know me well enough to know that something i said i was just joking- fuck it.
if you dont care enough to text me or write on my wall every once in a while- fuck it.
if every time we hang out we have to get loaded / we cant just get coffee and sit in a car somewhere and bullshit- fuck it.
if i have to explain everything i am saying / tip toe around you- FUCK IT
if you cant understand that we are all adults and just because you dont have a job doesnt mean that when i have work im blowing you off- fuck it.
i dont have time for children.
i hate kids as a matter of fact, so why would i surround myself with them.
grow up and find out what an adult friendship is.
