10.3.09

I decided to stand on the edge of existence and bring myself to tears.
“Please don’t cry” she said with fake pitty cracking in her voice.

With a calm breeze blowing between life and death my toes traced the sharp corner of reality. My face became hollow and I heard myself scream for the first time.

“I will always hear you” she pleaded for me to come down.

If one thing she told me was true it was anytime she said she hates me. Today she doesn’t want a story to be told so she will love me untill death. All I can think is…
My god, I need to do this before its too late and she changes her mind again.

x

BOOM

I HAVE EXPLODED INTO ONE THOUSAND PIECES TO BE WALKED ON AND KICKED AROUND.

THE ONLY THING THAT REMAINS A SHORT DISTANCE AWAY.

FAINTLY BEATING WITH HER NAME BURNED ACROSS.

X

dont sleep.

a constant hum-no-scream.
a constant scream runs through my head knocking on my eyelids.
forcing them to open.
is it the stress? the drive?
the lack of ambition?
or am i just that lucky?
do i dare look above to ask for help? help to rest my eyes.
the thought of believing something that isnt true seems to be the best idea for me.
i have nowhere else to turn.
the clock is my torment.
every tick fucking tock is a mimic.
i bet clocks sleep.
my eyes are heavy, i cant breathe from exhaustion but when i lay my head there it is again.

that scream, that knocking- no, pounding.
not pain- just suffering.

x

trainwreck

this train wreck is still burning. the fire is getting hotter. the flames are getting worse. while it burns my heart melts.
every face around me turns to a chard mess of dysfunction.
i know you love me.
you are my best friends.
but sometimes love just isnt enough.
sometimes friends dont help. my friends know i love them but sometimes my love isnt enough, sometimes my friendship isnt enough.
i am told to look at the positives, so i do.
as this train becomes beautiful and strong- it crashes and burns.
the fire still set.
somebody pull me out.
somebody put me out.
nobody knows me like them
but sometimes its just not enough.
just not enough.
someone give me a reason to wake up.

x

this is why

if my body turns into water i need a promise from you that you will drink my poison.
allow my being to become part of your soul.
i will never let go.
if forever is not real then i have found the outlet in your beautiful theory. so i wont tell you that i love you forever but i will swear that i will never stop loving you.
the delicate eyes of a flawless creature pin my heart to my tongue. she belongs stuck between my teeth. every word hangs on tight to my mind and i am at the edge of my seat waiting for her to tell me more. i crave for her to know every detail of my life.
a women who is too easy to love.
if my body turns into filth i need a promise from you to keep that you will cleanse the sadness out of my chest.
if my body starts to break i need a promise for you to keep that you will fix me and stand me up straight again.
if my body should fall i need a promise for you to keep that you will catch the remains of my heart attack.
the grace in a voice that can bring every piece that fell apart together again is what makes me love her.

x

Let me in

in this room i can see a light shine from under the door.
i know outside shes pounding and begging for me to let her in.
every word she says shivers though my acting body.
i vision the signals from my heart to my fingertips.
i know she is there and i just need to unlock the door and let her in.
x

poison.

what is this?
what have you done?
how have i learned all about this feeling?
a short distance was walked
straight to your lips
which is where you fed me.
what a taste.
what a high.
i crave your poison.

Forever

when my mouth hit your lips.
i got a taste of forever.
i never-
never would have guessed that here i could be.
understanding this feeling
i understand this feeling-
i understand who i am.
who i could be
what we are:
in love.
i hope this taste
doesnt leave my mouth
untill forever, i will be hungry.

x

10.6.10

time moves slow.
tick.tick.tick.tick.
a breath in sounds so loud.
a hurricane forms just to move across the room.
will this moment pass?
or am i just the eye of the storm?

x

Awake

there is no room for jealousy.
though i hate seeing you sleep so quietly.

the clock pounds my head in. chewing my lip becomes old.
i am too tired to read.
if my thoughts were to become amplified there would be noice complaints.

STAY STILL!
they stop-

but only for a moment untill they start running again.

this lifestyle becomes too much.
if my heart beats one tick faster i will sure be dead.

that is all i said-
for a thought in my head-
i picture me dead-
im loosing my thread-
unwinding in bed-
4am- not sleeping yet.
i will end.

x

6.28.10

The heat
danced on my skin like wild fire.
a rythem based on sweat,
i cant breathe.
movement seems too much
but my job must get done,
-together we danced to the beat of the ACs
soon we will be done.
on the contarary to the effort put in.-\it was all in a days work.

x

6.13.10

So...
this whole time as i looked into the mirror i never once realized-
it wasnt me reflecting on my past,
but my past reflecting on me.
i thought every crack in my face and scar on my arm meant the fact that i am now better.
now i know that every crack.
THAT EVERY SCAR is a tangible reason that i have the ability to break.

I AM BROKEN.

x

Drugs (naming the monster is forgiving the act)

The shades nailed closed over the windows to block the sun from inching into her.
following her is the BEAST that can never catch up but still retain the fear.

screaming will ease the aggravation.
scratching will coat the pain.

i hope i never figure out who destroyed this women.
i hope i never know who broke her down.

NAMING THE MONSTER IS FORGIVING THE ACT.

catching up is equal to the fact of insanity that is questioned. the cramps in her spine drive her to the edge.
pieces of her drift slowly off and shine into a path that leads her to (who knows) below her.

The eyes of the BEAST trace her outline-
she knows she is done.
holding
her
breath
and closing her eyes.
she allows the end to take the best of her.-
the BEAST in her.

x

3.10.10

The last breath i took gave me hope to know the difference between accelerated happiness and anguish.

is it today that i will find
who i am
what ive lost.

what color is your soul?

as this cigarette traces my cracked lips i find intelligence in my squinted eyes.
they dont burn as much these days.
i pick up my pride and walk back
i guess its not so bad there after all.

x

Wall made of silly words.

   i am trying to lay the words down but they refuse to come out.

Evil tricks on my finger tips.

the syllables gather on the tip of my tongue.
stuck to me
sunk into me.

A metaphor taps in my deaf sense of direction of where i am going with this.

screaming in my ear.

i cannot hear the meaning they are trying to make.

a wall is built between creativity and reality.

i force my way through and shape my own entity in this sad, sad world.

This wall is made of silly things.

a concrete slab of common words and phrases i cant seem to get past.

delicate.

creatures.

monsters.

THE BEAST.

literature seems to be eating me from the inside. and,
while i drown the only thing i can think of to same myself is to scream more words.

a cry for help?
a cry for a new game?
a cry for attention?

...no

a cry for existence.

silly words trace my lips, pressed against my fingertips.

x

Letter to the world

this is where i stood
with a sharpened pen that shook
in my hands
im going to write a letter to the world.
the sun burnt an expression onto my face.
into my voice.
onto my heart.
ill tell you all of what is on my mind.
one voice vs. 1,000 overpowered bastards.
one voice vs. you.

Feathers

the breeze took my feathers away from my sight...

-they say everything blows away in the wind.
if that is the truth then i wish nothing more for these feathers to turn into kites.
they can feel free to blow through the sky but always come back when i want to pull them in.
i do not want them to get too far from me.
before my feathers blew away-
they were sharpened and stabbed into the hearts.
they caused pain. they didnt care.
they werent there.
the hearts threw them into the air just in time for a gust of stubborn wind blew past, picked them up and carried them far away from me.
i tried to reach out and catch them before i was too late but i didnt notice they were gone.

they were two important, beautiful feathers in my collection.
in my paranoid state i fewer that they have gone into the distance and disappear. they will float untill somebody else will collect feathers.
HERE I AM
LEFT ALONE
WITHOUT
MY
FEATHERS.

x

-

This is quite the thrill i was looking for.
i want nothing more then to-
dig my fingernails in.
my lips trace your outline
a moment-
a second-
a breath
this is quite the thrill i need.
my face pushed against the wall.
the control
the power
-DEVOUR-
that special part of me.

x

Lamp

I took a picture of you
the sun was setting behind the trees.
a thick mist was rolling in below you
wearing a ripped tank top,
and your shortest shorts fought the heat.
you were shouting with your arms raised to the sky,
you begged-
begged for a breeze or cold rain
anything to wash away the dirt.
a smile still gently rested on your face
attitude was always expected.
-I took a picture of you.
for if the rain fell too hard that evening i needed reassurance
that you wouldn't disappear
i needed to know
that you would never float away.

x

In the room

I dont expect to know the rest of what has happened to me.
but just a guess of what is left
is that Ill never leave.
i curse the name of self-esteem to insure that i can change
but second best to all the rest has taken toll on me.

x

Dear Blank Page,

If my fingertips bleed out intelligent phrases and wit,
will you begin to give me what i need?

x

PorN!

A vision,

in which we should not speak of.

-a lust,

the passion is visable.

INCREDABLE

-a scene,

two bodys meet in the middle.

TRUST

eyes widen.

-

                  Power.

               Off.

2.3.10

oh- what direction i fall is flowing
yet somewhat, I'm stumbling-
and getting a grasp
i can taste the energy
oh- i can taste the greed.
someone is pulling-tugging at my clothes.
fabric between their hands and my bare skin
i ask-
what is it you want from me?
oh-why is it so free to be?
so-
god damn understandable but
show.
not a glimpse of common interest.
the secrets im keeping
can explain the hole meaning
of the scribble i write
or maybe just think about-
you.

x