i dont know how to clean the mess i have made...
i go back and forth with the fact that i am comfortable with this mess. im not sure what i am these days.
i was texting with my ex wife the other day and she said she doesnt know me anymore. i dont really know myself.
i had such a strong grip on everything just last month. everything made sense. everything was in place, then i got depressed. the center of my brain became numb. next thing i knew. my car was falling apart, my job was getting stupid, and then elle left me.
im giving up on relationships. i still stand with saying that if elle ever called me id go back with her in a heartbeat. shes just....ugh. i cant even think of a word to describe how amazing she is.
i think i need to be alone. i just get so bored. and when i get bored. i get dangerous. i hang out with people often and its cool but its 1030 right now and i would do anything to not be home.
id like to go for a walk but i dont have my fucking ipod so i cant listen to music.
i have been texting with eva. i would really like to meet up with her and talk for a little while. tell her a few things and put a close to all this. she doesnt want to. shes not over as much as i am i guess. even though she left me and told me there was no hope to ever be together again, forcing me to get over her as quick as i can to avoid any pain.
i juggled with the idea of me and her getting back together. but. i dunno, i really just cant feel it. she was an amazing woman, and itd be the easiest idea to get her back. but, im not in love with her and thats that. i have no desire to be with her ever again. its unfortunate, but oh well. id love to be her friend though, shes a easy person to talk to sometimes.
i really need to get my shit together. i should have cleaned my room today. im a fucking disaster.
