Lets be real:
I am the following-
Lazy
Unmotivated
Depressed
Hilarious
Negative
A mess
A slacker
Sense i was little i struggled with what i wanted to be when i grew up. I was always the little asshole in school that gave my mother problems starting in pre-school because i would not stand for the Pledge. I knew my rights.
Elementary came along and i was still a brat. But made it threw ok.
Middle school was next. 6th grade i was awkward and picked on. I made the choice, in 7th grade, that i was no longer going to deal with that bullshit, so i threw out all my brothers hand downs and tried the 'dark' style of clothing, which was still awkward because i didnt know what i was wearing.
8th grade, i started to figure it out, i looked like an idiot, but i looked better then 7th grade. So style was starting to be taken care of, next step- being picked on.
i was not going to give a shit if people called me a boy, made fun of my hair, or clothes. I now make the decision to be the bully for i was no longer going to be bullied.
The downward spiral of my life begins.
By 9th grade i had all this 'goth/metal head' shit figured out, and to be honest, i wore it pretty well. Long black braids down to my ass, painted nails, fishnet shirts, big over sized paints with chains, all that shit.
High school also came with other metal heads who i shortly became the queen of. I ruled their every move, the power felt amazing- step 2 of my downfall.
10th grade came with replacing big pants with blue jeans, no more braids, bandannas, better fitting shirts. a more grungy look instead of the fat girl goth waste.
Sophomore year also came with step 3 of my downfall. Oh, Hello drugs, alcohol, and self mutilation.
I made a best friend, and we quickly became inseparable. the use of percription pills and alcohol became excessive. We began enabling each other. and i couldnt make it threw the day without cutting, burning or banging myself. i was addicted to 4 things.
I didnt bother picking on people anymore, i had my fights, and i even had a few people that i busted on here and there but i wasnt much of a bully. i was too busy nodding off and sniffing pills off the ISS desk.
My brother got me a job to help fix me up. which i shortly ruined by being drunk and high every shift i worked. I quit after 2 or 3 months because my friends were much more important. (step 4)
i came out of the closet and the reign of fucking my friends over began.
i started fooling around with one of my good friends girlfriend. i lied to all of them. i stole someones girlfriend and dated her for 3 years. (step 5)
The relationship i had with my ex was very young and immature. She didnt know what she wanted and i knew that but i held on and did all i could to make her stay. I was a scumbag for assuming i could turn a straight girl gay with guilt and pity.
By now i was getting clean and dropped out of school. i was signed into Adult ed, which doesnt mean i ever went. I had a few jobs which i quit because i wanted to stay with my ex and waste my life away in front of a tv.
(disclaimer- my ex was a beautiful, fun, girl and i am not implying that she is any reason i wasnt in school or quitting my jobs)
February 9th, 2009 She left me.
Everything i worked for to get better exploded into fire that burned the mess i called my life. Drugs and alcohol came back with a vengeance for the 3 years i ignored them. I had a new group of friends that really held me strong threw my break up, which led to me meeting the woman i married.
During that time, i graduated highschool, got my licence, had a job for a year, and started school for welding. I wasnt having much time for drugs, and drinking became a weekend thing. I guess you can say my life was really getting on track and i was making everyone around me, including myself for the first time ever, proud of my choices. All of that slowly started to fall when i decided to quit school. My ex wife and i got together and pretended to have a strong happy relationship.
She moved into my moms house with me. we both had jobs and were making well enough money so needless to say drug use became heavy. It took about 2 months into our relationship for her to get angry at me and put her hands on me. From that day on, a door was open that could not be closed. We beat on eachother and put eachother down as much as we could and took turns apologizing and promising it would never happen again. she tried to hold to me as i fell deeper into the hole i started digging years ago. Unfortunately the hole she was digging became connected to mine and we both fell faster.
I started EMT school, which i finished, but failed my states. what a surprise. i gave up on school starting that day.
We calmed down with drugs and barely drank. I started working mornings at a restaurant and she worked mornings at an assisted living home. We started getting on track again. my life was looking up. We had plans, we were in love.
July 9th, 2011 she left me.
Here i am today.
I am seeing an amazing, beautiful, smart, mature, brilliant, funny, headstrong woman who i am absolutely crazy about.
i work 5 days a week at the restaurant
i work a few days a week at a fast food place
i drink on occasion
i do not use percription pills and i never plan on it again.
i am probably moving out very very soon
my bank account is negative
i have to pay for a divorce
and there is a few open scars that my ex left when she took off
but all and all i can truly say that i am very happy with my life.
Today when i went to work my boss pulled me aside and suspended me.
I fear that everything i have worked for in the passed 2 months to be a better, more positive person will collapse again because of my history. The thought of staying strong and fighting to be the best person at work when i go back is scary to me. if i cant do it, i will be fired and i will hit the bottom harder then i ever have. Addiction is something that lingers in the air around me. I dont crave being high, or itch to do drugs. But i know its there.
Reality hit me pretty hard this morning.
I am self diagnosed bi-polar.
Today my boss told me that there are some days when i am so on top of my game then the next day ill come in and be god awful and he doesnt understand why. I never really noticed. i think about the passed couple weeks at work, and my life and consider the fact that i need a job with benefits because i need medication. I played with the idea of being bi-polar a year ago when my ex wife and i were talking about it being a possibility. it seems to make complete sense. Either way, it was always something i figured i could deal with, sure a couple weeks out of the month i am up untill 4am loosing my mind. a few days ill sleep all day. ill have a panic attack when im laughing. ill have a burst of energy when im sad. whatever the case is, i never thought of it effecting my job, my friendships, my relationships, etc. This morning i realized that it effects everything. it helped drive my wife away (disclaimer- my wife leaving me was the best thing that has ever happend to me, we were not good for eachother what so ever and we were unhappy) it helped build bad friendships, it has gotten me in trouble at work in the passed, and now while im trying to start a carrer, it has giving me a bad name and a suspension. im not really sure what im going to do because i still do not have insurance nor can i pay for medication.
It seems that everytime things are falling into place and i am too happy, i get punished for thinking i can live well for an extended period of time.
I realize that this is all my doing. sense preschool i have been building the mess i live in today.
take me as i am.
or get rid of me quickly.
x
