the bitter taste of memories sink into my gums like the drugs that make me numb,
the sweet after taste i get is only a trick.
sweetness never last long enough. it only clings onto you and rots everything you need.
cavities.
this cloud of addiction hovers over me so delicately.
wouldn't it be easier if we can all be high?
high on coke?
drunk on alcohol?
now, now, now.
this isnt how you should think is it?
this is bad for you.
the cloud blows away in the wind. i see clear and smile.
an exhale that was held for too long is released from my weak lungs.
i lay my head back and see blue skies.
friends all around me.
laughter.
relaxation.
a good nights sleep.
an over cast.
WAIT!
and over cast?
a cloud hovers over me again.
i replaced an addiction with another didnt i?
high on life.
drunk on laughter.
untill i come home.
they all went to bed and im up itching.
I NEED MORE.
i fene.
there is NEVER enough.
the cloud breaks and drops of old news begin to tap on my head.
the inhale happens.
clouds are always strong enough to block the sun.
even if the sun is more beautiful.
the sun is better.
keeps you warm.
gives you energy. light.
clouds will always win.
i make the mistake and accept my flaws.
embrace my coma.
disappear.
....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
i wonder if my friends hate me?.....
im not looking for them to reassure me they dont.
...
tossing and turning at night becomes somthing i look forward to,
i count the days that i go through of being able to sleep.
i know it wont last long. my thoughts will quickly explode inside my head and i am AWAKE for another few months.
i close my eyes and picture the edge of East Rock.
for some reason that place has always made me feel the most 'home' inside my own head. i look down over the edge at the rocks, trees, and hidden roads. my legs get that wiggly feeling and my mouth waters. my heart skips and i feel safe. i feel natural. i feel like that is exactly where i should be.
i feel HIGH.
i never stood on that edge while under the influence.
1. i would probably let myself go home if i did
2. i dont need to be under the influence while im there. i am the highest i can be.
right now.
my heart has a familiar rhythm to it.
i was the rhythm you held.
am i dont with you?
did my addiction to you wear off?
i fear that the only way it will is if i become addicted to something else because...well, thats always how i have worked. one addiction to another. all of which are unhealthy.
i leave to you, not only what was left of my heart but my mind as well. you are the only one who ever really saw into it anyway. and understood all my contradictions. so i dont need it.
i would like to leave this rhythm behind.
GIVE ME AN ADDICTION!
give me an addiction so i can stop being addicted to her eyes.
-
each strand of hair dances on my scalp.
i feel every pore on my body twitch untill i cant handle it.
scratching always kept me busy.
the pain in the bottom of my stomach has turned itself inside out and is eating its way up and out my chest.
i try to hide it from the world but expression is a curse.
contradicting ideas swing in my head and slip into my eye lids.
none of this makes sense to you?
you have gotten this far?
i've never read something more clearly.
x
